Fear Factory & Phobia

Hello me luvs.
Hope you're all well.
Today I managed to make a mess of my shift rota and turned in for work when I could have had a lie in. To be honest, I could have slept until noon, I'm absolutely knackered (No, it definitely has nothing to do with my acquisition of Metal Gear Solid - The Phantom Pain, honest).
 But I'm awake now and I haven't written in ages, so I thought... why not?

Just to say here, about where I left off last time... 
I won't be continuing that story in the same form. Mainly because the dredging through painful memory wasn't helping me to heal. Perhaps one day I can revisit it all with a different outlook, but for now, I need to stay up, and all of that was keeping me down. 
I'll be touching on points from that time period, and some parts that I still haven't discussed whenever they are relevant to whatever I'm writing about in future. However the continuity style that I adopted shall be dropped. At least for now.
Despite some of the things I discuss, I don't actually want this page to become a pity party.

With that said, let's talk about fear.
The Fear Factory. No, not that industrial metal band from the 90's, no, I mean the one that we all have somewhere in the grey matter. The fear that we harbour that breeds fear in others.
It can be nothing more than an anxious thought about leaving the iron switched on, or it can be something that controls every waking thought and steers us, making our decisions for us.
Fear is an evolutionary trait, an advantage in survival of the fittest. We feel it without conscious thought, and it's there to keep us alive. 
Throughout the course of our live's we are all taught to fear things; 
Fire, electricity, violence, wild or unusual animals, clowns...Wait what? Yep, some people are mortally afraid of clowns. Nice job there, Stephen King.
But thanks to News and tabloid media, our fear catalogues got pretty fucked up. 
Now, instead of things that pose an actual threat to our existence, we have been trained to fear, through repeated exposure to negative press about [insert perceived bad thing].
There's loads of them; Swine flu, the Y2K bug (yes, retro fears count), followers of Islam, North Korea, electric cars... the list goes on. But to all of these, there are some facts, however stretched, diluted, tainted and bastardised, that cause the fear to grow in too many of us.
Minimise the facts, maximise the fear, seize the control.
It's a historical tool that is massively effective, just look at what happened in Germany in the early 1940's. But it's sadly, this is not a technique that has stayed in the history books.
It still happens today and the propaganda is more subtle than ever.
I won't give you my "911 was an inside job" piece just now, that's a whole other blog LOL
But let's just accept that it's there. Always there, always controlling.

*I'll wait here for a sec so you can go and check your iron*

Now, what I don't understand, is that historically, you could only ever see transgender people (or gender non-conforming) in the media from the negative hype angle.
The shock and awe, the drama and scandal. The Jerry Springer episodes I saw as a kid who had just begun crossdressing, for reasons they didn't understand, teaching me that the transexual is an object of ridicule and disgrace. Prophecising my life as a pantomime of gender confusion, that's when the fear began for me. Yeah, I have my own transphobia that I deal with. (Again, that's a blog subject all of it's own, but for now we shall return to outward expression of fear.)
I'm glad to note that more recently, there has been a shift in what stories the press and media will publish about transgender people. Aside from the ongoing American myth of "Transgenders will rape women in bathrooms/toilets", most of the media these days is click-bait articles; 
"You won't believe these AMAZING transgender before and after pictures (number 37 is INCREDIBLE!!!!!)"...
5 exclamation points? Really? (Probably from Buzzfeed)
And if it's not this it's Caitlin Jenner talking about Bruce, or Laverne Cox talking about Netflix. And I love the more positive spin and exposure. Visibility breeds acceptance and normalisation. I am all for it. It's exactly what we need.

 However....

I remember the Nineties. It was a time of 50p mixes and rollerblades.
Bike rides and Sega. The hot new mobile handset was a Nokia with an dot matrix display, and the internet's best page was Yahoo. Any media that put transgenderism in a positive spin either did not exist, or was fenced off to LGBT news and media. 
Historically, transgender folk have been projected as the punchline, the gay man tricking a straight man into sex, the faggot, the drag queen.
The flamboyantly effeminate reject walking the streets in patent stilettos, or the headliner on Jerry Springer.
And people remember this. People retain the 'information' they get from the media because it helps them to develop their world view. And just because the 'information' now carries a new narrative, it doesn't mean those people forget the old 'information'.
They retain it because it created fear in the unknown or taboo. And fear protects us. It's like an alarm that keeps us alive.
And we like being alive.
The fight or flight response is what keeps us breathing.
We sense danger, then we either leg it as fast as possible, or we beat the shit out of it.
Why were transgender people targeted in the first place?
Couldn't tell you for certain. But I'm guessing any one or multiple of the usual, easily defeatable assets to maintenance of the status quo, for instance
"It goes against the teachings of the lord our God" or just for the same reasons people hate brown people/white people, poor people/rich people, men/women...
You know, good old fashioned xenophobia.
Why is it such a problem that people have been taught to fear the tranny?
Well 2015, 2016 and 2017 saw a year on year increase in the number of murders committed on transgender individuals in the United states.
And last year in the UK, the Office for National Statistics reported that one third of transgender people were the victims of a hate crime.
I won't press the point further just now, but if you want further reading, click here.

So we have ended up in this weird cycle of transphobia breeding androphobia / anthropophobia (Fear of men / fear of people).
And its 2018...
We have global warming, climate change, Donald Trump vs the World, disease, famine, population surplus, inequality, social caste, and there are people who still want to violate and persecute other people who weren't lucky enough to be content with the body they were born with.
And the cycle continues in the weight of fear. 
Trans people stay indoors because it's easier and safer. 
Keep it a secret because it's easier and safer. 
They isolate, withdraw and decline. Contributing to the highest suicide rate of any minority group, with an 84% lifetime prevalence of suicidal ideation and 48% who attempted suicide.

It's hard for me to look at stats like this. Because I can fucking well relate to it.
I know fear. I've been taught fear my whole life. Bullied at school. Harassed for being a 'sweddy' (that's a 'mosher' in Wiganese). News and media filling me with hate and fear when I reached 'adulthood' (I still think I'm a child). So how do you break the cycle?
(Here comes the tangent...)

Drive, my dears.
Or more specifically, Drive, by Incubus

Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear,

And I can't help but ask myself how much I'll let the fear take the wheel and steer

It's driven me before

And it seems to have a vague, haunting mass appeal

But lately I am beginning to find that I should be the one behind the wheel

Whatever tomorrow brings

I'll be there with open arms and open eyes
Whatever tomorrow brings,
I'll be there, I'll be there

So if I decide to waiver my chance to be one of the hive

Will I choose water over wine

And hold my own and drive?
It's driven me before and it seems to be the way that everyone else gets around,
But lately I am beginning to find that when I drive myself my light is found

So whatever tomorrow brings

I'll be there with open arms and open eyes

Whatever tomorrow brings

I'll be there, I'll be there

Would you choose water over wine?
Hold the wheel and drive?

Hold the wheel and drive?

Effectively, think for yourself.
So if something is on the news or in the media, heard as gossip in the pub or at work, or if you hold a belief or judgement that you realise you have no evidence for, I implore you, all of you...

Think again. Take the wheel and steer for yourself. Form your own opinion and don't judge.

That song has been in my life for the last 17 years, and I don't see it going away for the next 17 years either. It's a life lesson and a great driving song - What could be better, really?
Driving gives us freedom to explore new places, new ways of looking at life.
It lets us see the world from another perspective. Everyone should learn.
It's hard, and the road is often rough, but it's still worth the journey.

Okay, enough cliche, what can we do about it?

Question your fear. Question the fear in others.
Question everything and question the answers.
Question the news, and extract the facts from the hyperbole.
Remember that correlation does not equal causation.
Speak out against injustice and inequality.
At this point I feel like I'm preaching my world view to you all, and while that is not my intent, I do intend on making the world a little bit better in whatever way I can.
So I'm going to leave you all with one more song.
Because in/tolerance has long been a subject in songwriting that I've always found to be hugely emotive. It speaks to the very core of the soul because equality includes everyone, even Jeremy Hunt.
Equality, Inclusion and Diversity are the fundamental basic tenets of a society and world I hope we would all want to be part of. When they are at risk, compromised or are absent, then we are all at a disadvantage.
One of my all time favourite bands and all time favourite songs.

First they put away the dealers
Keep our kids safe and off the streets
Then they put away the prostitutes
Keep married men cloistered at home
Then they shooed away the bums
Then they beat and bashed the queers
Turned away asylum-seekers
Fed us suspicions and fears
We didn't raise our voice
We didn't make a fuss
It's funny there was no one left to notice
When they came for us

Looks like witches are in season
You better fly your flag and be aware
Of anyone who might fit the description
Diversity is now our biggest fear
Now with our conversations tapped
And our differences exposed
How ya supposed to love your neighbor
With our minds and curtains closed?
We used to worry 'bout big brother
Now we got a big father and an even bigot mother

And still you believe
This aristocracy gives a fuck about you
They put the mock in demockracy
And you swallowed every hook
The sad truth is you would rather
Follow the school into the net
Cause swimming alone at sea
Is not the kind of freedom you actually want

So go back to your crib and suck on a tit
Go bask in the warmth of your diaper
You're sitting in shit and piss
While sucking a giant pacifier
A country of adult infants
A legion of mental midgets
A country of adult infants
A country of adult infants
All regaining their unconsciousness

Sorry for the slightly preachy, tangented post. But I'm guessing you all have your own fears.
The point is really not to let that fear make your decision for you.
Make a decision based on love, not hate. 
Try for a better world by making a better you.
I often wonder what my life would have been like were it not for fear. 
I still ponder what my life would be like to never have to fear ever again.
It's probably true that we will all, at some point, become fearful. 
Just don't let it take control.

If you liked it, then share it. Tell a friend. Let me know what you thought, or ask me a question. Click on one of those ads while you're here, I'd really appreciate it xx

TTFN

Belated Birthday Bonanza

Before we crack on with the ongoing tale of my seperation, coming out and general massive life upheaval, I just want to say "Welcome!" - To all my new readers and "Sorry for the delay" to all of my long time readers.
Suffice to say that some stuff went down, I'm dealing with it, I will be making this as regular as a thing as I can, but lots of stuff has been happening and I just needed time to sort my shit out.
 I'll be filling you in (as much as I will say in public) in due course, so thanks for staying with me xx
Without further delay....


"Morning luv, Happy Birthday! There's coffee downstairs for you"
My feelings about this were mixed,
On the one hand, It's coffee, literally the second I woke up.
On the other hand, it was waking up.
The details of the day aren't important, but I tried to make the best of the shitty situation.
I spent the morning with my parents who made me coffee and gave me my Birthday cards and a kick up the arse, the afternoon hanging out with friends giving me support and wisdom (Thank You, Barry. It meant a lot old bean.), then the evening with my Ex wife for Chinese food and Rick & Morty (The done thing when your Birthday is on a Monday and you only physically separated yesterday). We hung out, she gave me some cards and we discussed my upcoming birthday house party on the Saturday. So after making plans for what food to buy and how much booze etc, that I could take the spare room on the night and help to clean up in the morning, then I went home for an early night. But I ended up having a late one on the sauce with my mum and dad.
In the circumstances, it was as good as my 35th Birthday could have been.
That is to say, nothing bad happened. I did the things that I wanted to do given my situation.

The next couple of days were spent mainly, just sorting things out at home.
My life was contained in a collection of small to medium boxes.
Trying to organise my limited space in my room, unpack, sort out how I was going to make living from my parent's spare room easier, at least in the foreseeable future. 

Thursday 28th would be a notable day though.
I took my mum and dad to a clinic appointment and afterwards took them to the train station, so they could go and have a date night in Liverpool (Dawww).
As soon as I got home I was in the shower, full shave, makeup and wig on, some leggings and a casual tunic top, made myself presentable but comfortable. 
This was the first time I had presented female in this house and I did not have to hide.
Admittedly, it had been over 12 years since I had last done so in this house.
This was the first day my parents saw me present as a woman.
They had seen pictures last year when I first told them I was having gender issues,
but I'm not sure that it sank in at the time, I've discussed this stuff before in a previous post. I can't cope with looking like a guy for long stretches. I've always needed the respite that comes when I see myself in the mirror, looking just that little bit more like what I want to look like, because that's how I feel my happiest. Comfortable in how I look. Even if it was only ever in the confines of my home.
The weight of dysphoria lifts, I feel happier and less bogged down with conflict in my head.
I think it was fair to say that the last couple of weeks had been pretty heavy, and I needed to feel some happiness and a rest from the weight of everything else.

After a day of messing around on my PC and chatting to friends online, while mum and dad were getting sloshed in Liverpool, they texted me from the train station as they called their taxi and asked me to put the kettle on (Standard behaviour in our family - A brew is never far away).
When they walked in, I was upstairs grabbing my cigarettes, I called out;
"Hello?"
"Hiya luv! Are you making this pot of tea then?" (Again, standard, it's a fairly typical greeting when you live here).
I walked down-stairs and my mum was the first one I saw, she was leaned forward taking her boots off, as she stood up straight, I got an excited, surprised, happy;
"OH MY GOD!" and a big beaming smile that I smiled back at,
"...You look brill!", well that was easy enough...
"What's up?" my dad then boomed from behind the living room door...
He opened it to see me stood with my mum, his mouth open like a goldfish. 
I gave him the jazz-hands gesture that people use when they present themselves with a "Taa-daa!" and a grin. Not a clue why. I'm a bit weird like that sometimes.
The fish mouth morphed into a smile, then it was covered by his hands and he began to laugh... Wasn't really what I expected, I have to be honest.
He wasn't mocking me, this is something my dad does in his moments of "I can't believe it!" It's worth remembering to expect the unexpected I guess.
I got big hugs off them both, poured myself a strong drink and went to the back door for a cigarette. The pot of tea could wait.
My mum started telling me about where they had been, where they ate how much gin they had drank, then sarcastically complained,
"I'll make this brew then, shall I?" 
But my dad was uncharacteristically quiet. He was still stood, eyes wide like saucers giving me that same surprised stare. If he wasn't my dad, it would have been a bit creepy...

"Dad are you alright? You're staring a bit" I had to make sure he was okay after all, this was a 'first something' for each one of us...
"Sorry cock... ('cock' is a term of endearment in the North West of England. It isn't an insult or reference to gender. You will just have to take my word for it on this),
 ...You're just really pretty, I can't believe it!"

My. Heart. Fucking. Melted.
Possibly the sweetest words I've ever heard my dad say about me.

But like a cunt, I said "You don't have to say that you know..." - (I've never been good at taking compliments. There's always something in my head telling me that my friends or family are only ever trying to cheer me up, rather than being the good people I know them to be, and giving me praise for something.)
"...I know I look like a man in makeup and a wig"

In almost perfect stereo synchronisation, I got a Mum and Dad duet rendition of
"No, you don't!" and then for their encore, "YOU LOOK GORGEOUS!".
10/10 would see again ;)
Nothing like a Mum and Dad flattery campaign to perk you up [/embarrassed-reaction.gif]

So this made up for my less than spectacular Birthday.
In the wake of the separation from my wife, my mum's health problems, moving into my parent's house, all just kinda felt a little better for a little while.
I've got a good mum and dad. Trust them to look after my ego when I can't even...
It felt incredible. It was like a light got flicked on in a dark corner of my mind.
I wasn't happy by a long shot, but I got closer for the first time in nearly 3 weeks of complete misery. Like, if the zenith of happiness is the desert at the end of a 5 course meal, this was the amuse-bouche.

The appetiser came that very weekend at the house party for my birthday.
Looking back, I was probably a bit over dressed for a house party, especially one of my house parties (which historically end up in piley-ons (if you don't know, look it up), sweat, fire, vomit and one time a guy at my door offering my whole party outside for a fight).
But, honestly, I just didn't care because for one night at least, my nearest would see me as I am. Or at the very least they would see the blueprints for the 'me' I want to build. And you know what, I felt pretty.
I was surrounded by love, with a belly full of 12.5% fizzy love - Needles to say I loved it.
I don't regret how drunk I got that night, but I do wish I could remember more of it.
But turn up at my house with prosecco and that's the way the night is going!

The outfit I wore for the house party.
Overdressed?

As far as I was concerned, the night was wonderful. Thanks to everyone who came. I know it was 5 months ago, but I never did a drunk birthday speech, so you will have to grant me *This*
"Your love and acceptance means more than you know. Thank you all xxx".

It was a good job it went well. Because the days, weeks and months ahead were amongst the best and the worst I've ever known. 
On the one hand, I met new people for the first time (they don't know me as a man), and got a taxi by myself for the first time - and the driver called me 'luv' and other slang feminine pronouns during the ride.
On the other hand, I had a week where I stayed in my room, didn't talk, didn't wash, eat or even sleep for more than 3 or 4 hours because I spent the whole time in darkness in bed.
And when I got a taxi by myself for the second time and got 'mate', 'pal' and my personal favourite in a Wigan accent, 'Fella'. [*/WHAT!?.mp3*]. I could feel my inner Tumblr feminist raging hard deep in my head. But I valued not being kicked out of a taxi in howling wind and rain, or worse, more than I valued my gender identity. Fear is a bastard.
The problem is, when you've been afraid for long enough, you become accustomed to it and even begin to accept it. 
So I let the taxi man mis-gender me instead of saying what I though,
"What part of this *gesture to point at my perfectly made up face, hair and dress* makes you want to say "Fella", I don't look like this by accident you spunk-flute!"....

You know what, Having re-read that last bit, I stand by my original decision to keep shtum.
Wouldn't have gone my way, LOL!