Friday 23 September 2016

Why didn't I say something sooner?

-Is a question I'm sure you are familiar with if you are in anyway trans.

Even if you are not trans, I'm certain you ask yourself this very question when you have a regret that you are dealing with.
"Why didn't I tell them sooner" or "Why didn't I do something when this all began"?

Regrets are common place, but they seem to be part of a process, and blogging about this stuff is cathartic for me, putting things in black and white is a wonderful self analysis tool.

-What are you banging on about?
Great question my dear, I'm glad you asked!

So last night I came out to my parents.
If you need info on why, now, at 34 years of age, I'm now coming out to my parents?
Read the last blog I published, it has way more context than is necessary for my tale, but your insight into 'why' will be easier for you to understand.

I'd woken up yesterday morning, I was actually off to get my bloods taken (My GP has referred me to a GIC, and it's their policy that baseline bloods are taken to be analyzed for the referral criteria.)
But the first thing I said to my wife that morning, before I even opened my eyes, was
"I want to come out to my mum and dad"

"It'll probably do you good" she said. I love this woman, she only wants me to be happy (Love you Em!).
I'd been awake until 1am, waking at 8am - On leave from work, so nice lie in really. I would have gotten more sleep, but I spent 3 hours reading people's coming out tales online.
Some made me cry with joy for the person, others made me weep with sadness at the hurt.
I was those people as I read their tales, because each one told me a future I might be facing.
Each one loaded my emotional cannons using a short fuse.

I went about my day, went for bloods, took the Mrs to work, started a first draft of a coming out letter, (I want it to be perfect - it needs work LOL), then I went down stairs.
(My parents would be due over with my birthday card (25th by the way - 2 days away) as they would be busy over the weekend. This was to be the day.)
I sat for an hour, no TV on, just though, pre-planning what to say with my coming out letter fresh in my head, ideas were frequent but fleeting.
I planned a whole speech, it would have to do.
Then I saw them pull up outside, so I boiled the kettle and made tea while they let themselves in.

We did the usual family thing first, tales from their recent holiday, bitching about the plumbing in our rented house. The usual. But I was tensing up the entire time.
I waited for a drop in the conversation, and then said,
"Right, so there is something I need to talk to you both about. And I need to tell you because this will effect my future."
They nodded along, allowing me the floor,
"It's something I've held on to for over 20 years, denying it, ignoring it, repressing it and recently accepting that it is just who I am. The feelings are only escalating, and I can't make them go away.
I'... I'_...."
I lost it. The pre-planned speech vanished from my thoughts.
I stopped, took a breath and...


"I'm transgender"


I silenced like I was expecting a bomb to go off in my face.
My dad was first to open his mouth,


"I thought you were ill or something, don't worry about it, we still love you"


My mum chimed in


"Me and ya dad are proud of both of you, (referring to my brother 2.5 years younger), we couldn't be happier with how you were raised. As long as you're both happy and healthy, then we are happy for you".

The next 90 mins were a blur, honestly, I don't remember half of what I said.

I must have hit them with what seemed like a shotgun of things I wanted to talk about after the sheer relief. But instead of giving them information, I think I just peppered them with buckshot introductions to concepts and matters they had no idea about.
I did tell them I was sorry for lying to them, they said they understood, "that I just wasn't ready to tell them yet".
I told them how shame was causing me to feel isolated and that I'm looking to break the cycle by coming out to family and friends, eventually the world. That my feelings were that only by 'normalising' a trans person and allowing them to be who they are can you escape the image of seedy crossdresser.
Do you know why people think it's pervy?
It's because you keep it a secret that people may assume it's something to be ashamed of.
And you know this. And you also know that the only way to stop the shame is to break free.
And that's what I did last night. My chest breathed in volumes it hadn't felt in days.
Much more was discussed, but for the purpose of the blog, it isn't necessary.

-Why the regret then?

Because if I'd have been certain that my parents wouldn't have reacted badly, I'd have told them ages ago. That this is who I am, and I need to get it off my chest.
I regret not telling them.
I guess the process involved in regret is understanding yourself. I'm already starting to feel that my dad said it best - "You just weren't ready" and he must understand me better than I do myself.
Because he's right, I probably wasn't, this is a progressive problem with progressive milestones.

You know what. Fuck regret. With a spikey one.

Damn that felt good. :D

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